Posted by: dave | February 27, 2010

From the desk of Mr Jasper: latest infamy!

Jasper's paw

I am reasonably happy with the living conditions in my new house. But I have uncovered a fresh plot directed against me – I believe the humans are trying to poison me.

That seems the only reasonable explanation for what happened to me earlier this week. On Monday night the female human got back from her trip to Queensland and we had what was in most respects a pleasant and civilised evening: they sat on the sofa talking and eating, I found a cockroach in the kitchen and pranced around playing with it. I have to say, as playthings they are perhaps even better than mice and baby birds; their stamina makes them worthy adversaries.

But after they went to bed I was racked with an unfamiliar pain. I started feeling tired and sickly and hot, so I took a quick nap in the hallway where the wall is cool. When I woke up there was some disgusting discharge weeping out of my eyes. I was so horrified that I went back to sleep again.

When I next awoke it was light and I was still feeling groggy. The female human was leaning over and peering at me, talking in a worried voice, and the male human came and had a look too. I tried to get up but was feeling a bit sore about the stomach, and I didn’t really feel like eating. The female was saying something about how it was very unusual for me not to wake them up at 4am by sitting on their heads and that I would normally be crazed with hunger by this time in the morning. The male one made a telephone call and then went out; when he came back a few minutes later I heard him banging around in the back of the house, and no sooner had I realised what was going on than he swept me up and put me in that infernal cage that always comes out when bad things happen. I was feeling too weak to protest.

They carried me out to a car and drove me to a big building where a disgraceful woman squeezed my stomach until I growled and stuck a thermometer up my bottom. She then had a brief conversation with the humans, and before I knew what was going on another human came and snatched me up, put me in a cage, shaved a bit off my front leg and stuck a needle in me. The whole process was extremely distressing but I was so tired I fell asleep.

When I woke up the disgraceful woman was on the telephone, I think to my humans, telling them that I’d had an infection in my pancreas but that it wasn’t serious, that I was looking a lot better, and that I could go home the next day. She was right about being better; I cleaned myself up a bit, had some food and drink and had a bit of a sniff of one of the humans, who said I was being smoochy.

The next morning, the male human came to collect me and took me home as if nothing had happened. All in all, a bizarre experience: I now have a very asymmetric haircut and I’ve heard the humans going on about the money they spent putting me in hospital. That makes me feel content: the best proof of love is food, but dollars come a close second.



  1. Oh dear Jasper – it’s not only the humans who have had a bad time of late.

    I’m glad you are feeling better but the haircut seems a disaster. Hope it grows back quickly because a lot of humans stop spending their money on their King if he looks like he’s got mange. I think you deserve melon – just to prove they are still feeling generous with their cash, of course.

  2. I sympathise Jasper. My human did the thing with cage yesterday too. All because I asked him to rub my ear really really really really hard. He told me there ought not to be dark wax in there and before I knew it I was in the prison box and there were lots of loud noises that wouldn’t stop even when I meowed at them. What’s a cat to do? turned around and showed the world my bum.
    I had to wait in a room with a jack russell in it. Really! And then a young man prodded and poked my ears and as if that was not bad enough he put wet stuff in there. IN. Wet is bad enough when it’s outside me, but INSIDE. And now the human is doing the same thing twice a day and it’s so confusing because it I hate it and it makes me want cuddles and strokes from my human but he’s the one doing the ear thing to me.

    Now explain the cockroach thing again….

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